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Millions of years ago the Megalicious Lasagnasaurus roamed the earth eating cytoplasmic sludge, fungal goo and thick and chunky rag-ooze. Recently, paleontologists dug down through the layers of the earth’s crust to discover the remains of an intact frozen M. Lasagnasaurus. After carefully thawing and reheating the prehistoric beast they discovered that it was the ancient ancestor of the Lasagna Moderna. So they ate it. But, using leftover DNA samples they have been able to re-create the humongous prehistoric herbivore. Here is how you can recreate your own M. Lasagnasaurus using some special scientific equipment at home.
Before you get started, here is some helpful equipment to have:
• KitchenAid Stand-up mixer: for making large batches of dough.
• KitchenAid Pasta rolling attachment: for rolling out massive amounts of super thin dough
OR a classic hand crank pasta roller will do the trick, but will take a very, very long time.
• KitchenAid Food processor: for pulverizing the cytoplasmic sludge and the fugal goo
• A large pot: for slow cooking the tomato sauce
• A huge spring form pan (17” x 7” x 3.5”deep): or any other very large and deep baking dish. The spring form is cool because you can pop it out the lasagna and see the layers and people will oooh and aaaah.
KitchenAid technology in the field of pasta-regeneration have made it possible to clone a modern day M. Lasagnasaurus. Although it is possible to re-create the M. Lasagnasaurus without the use modern technology it is much more difficult and time consuming.
Thick and chunky ragooze
4 carrots, diced
2 onions, diced
4 ribs of celery, diced
vegetable oil as needed
2 cloves garlic
1 – 100 oz. can crushed tomatoes (not a typo… 100 oz.)
2 Tbsp dried oregano
Sautee carrots and onions with vegetable oil in a very large pot over medium heat until the become caramelised. Add the celery, cooking until translucent. Add garlic, oregano and tomato sauce. Reduce heat to medium low and cook for 2-3 hours, stirring occassionally until sauce is thick and bubbly like molten lava. Whatever you don’t use in the lasagna will taste delicious on simple pasta with parmessan and fresh parsley.
2 large bags of spinach
400g ricotta cheese
juice and zest of 1 lemon
3 Tbsp vegetable oil
2 cloves garlic
Salt and pepper
In a large pot over medium high heat add the oil and garlic. When garlic begins to sizzle add the spinach and place lid on. Cook, stirring occasionally until spinach is wilted. Remove lid to cook away excess liquid. You can either combine the remaining ingredients in a bowl with a spoon or place all ingredients in a food processor and blend until smooth to create a cytoplasmic sludge. Either way, don’t forget to season with salt and pepper.
30 button mushrooms, quartered
4 Tbsp vegetable oil
salt and pepper
½ cup red wine
2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
Brown quartered mushrooms in single layer batches over medium heat. Don’t move mushrooms much in the pan so they have time to brown. Set aside mushrooms in a large bowl as they are browned. When mushrooms are done, deglaze the pan with red wine and add the mushrooms back, cook for 5 minutes on high. Add balsamic, salt and pepper. Can be used as is or cooled and pureed in a food processor to create a smooth fungal goo.
Sial segments - pasta recipe adapted from the KitchenAid Manual
4 large eggs
2 Tbsp water
1 Tbsp oil
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup semolina flour
1/2 tsp salt
Put all the ingredients into the mixer bowl and using the paddle attachment mix on number 2 for 45 seconds. Switch the paddle for the dough hook and continue kneading on 2 for 3 minutes. Remove the dough and knead on the counter for 2 minutes. It should be fairly smooth and slightly elastic. Use it right away or keep wrapped tightly in plastic in the fridge for up to a couple days. When using it from the fridge allow it to come to room temperature for 20 minutes before rolling it out.
Other ingredients for assembly
2 Tbsp oil
1/2 cup all-purpose flour, for dusting the sheets
10 large bocincini or 3 cups shredded mozzarella
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Preheat the oven to 425˚ F.
Attach the pasta sheet roller onto your Kitchen Aid Standup mixer. Divide the dough into 6 pieces. Keep dough under damp cloth until ready to roll. Have your flour handy for dusting the pasta.
Set the roller to thickest setting and turn on the machine to speed 2. Flatten out one ball of dough with your hand. Generously flour the pasta and then feed it through the machine. If it cracks or looks uneven, it’s fine, it usually takes a few runs to get it smooth. Just fold it in half and run it through again on the thickest setting. When the dough is smooth, fold it into thirds and run it through the machine so you end up with something roughly rectangular. Now adjust the roller settings to two increments higher (thinner) and run the dough again, making sure there is plenty of flour to keep it from sticking. Continue running the dough through, setting the roller to a higher (thinner) setting until you run it through on the thinest setting. Do one sheet at a time as you go along. If you do them all at once and leave them out while you assemble they will get dried out.
Now time to build the lasagna. Generously lubricate the baking dish (17” x 7” x 3.5”deep) with 2 Tbsp of oil. Start with a base layer of tomatey Rag-ooze on the bottom and lay down some thin pasta sheets.
The layering does not have to be perfect to be delicious. Don’t worry about holes or perfectly rectangular pasta sheets, just drape them over the edge of the pan and rest assured it will all taste delicious. you can even just use scrap pieces to patch in holes and gaps.
Now put a thin layer of fungal goo. Then a layer of pasta. Then a thin layer of cytoplasmic sludge. Then more pasta.
Keep going… Rag-ooze, pasta, goo, pasta, sludge, pasta, etc. until you just about reach the top (leave 3/4 inch). Cover the top with tomato rag-ooze, torn bocincini balls or shredded mozarella and finally the Parmesan cheese.
Blap the whole thing in the oven and bake at 425˚ F for 20 minutes, then reduce heat to 325˚F for 1 hour and finally you can finish it under the broiler if it needs a little more brown on top. Let the whole mess rest for at least 20 minutes out of the oven, then divide the deep layered monster amongst your hungry pack of dinosaurs.
Feeds a crowd of 12-16 hungry-hungry herbivores.
Sorry bout the photo, forgot the camera at home when we went away for the weekend, had to snap this with the phone… but hey, it sure was tasty and satisfied a pretty hungry crowd!
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